Sunday, May 31, 2009
if you call me today, i'll say that i'm fine.
do you know about that innate defiance in all of us? that incomprehensible part of us to commit mistakes, like when someone is telling you that the plate is hot and you just have to touch it, even if you know it will burn you. it exist, this desire to our own undoing, in all of us, perhaps inconspicuous to most, disguised as the so-called "moment of folly".
its like when one commits infidelity. he/she knows very well the consequences of cheating but still does it anyway. and when he/she has to face the music, its always the same reasons - "i was tempted", "i was not myself", "i didn't know what i was doing", "i was lonely", "it was a moment of folly". or it can be as immaterial as you know, having like a huge tub of ben and jerry when you have had this real bad cough lasting for weeks already. my point being, everyone denies it, but we do do and cannot resist these acts of defiance, these "follies" as we call them.
what is it within us that we have to hurt ourselves or the things around us this way? aren't we all pursuing the same thing - finding out what it means to us to breathe in the air we are taking during every moment of the day? and so why do we have to crush and destroy whatever we have had and then go on whining about it? what is then the point of this meaningless pursuit?
its as if i know exactly what i am doing to myself and yet i am still making all these wrong decisions. and when it comes down to that, i just feel like my life has collapsed into total shambles. its always the same thing over and over again. and i am stuck in repeat mode. i am not a fan of self-pity, and i am not pitying myself. i am just frustrated with myself really, to actually carry so much hope when everything i have felt is false hope.
its like when one commits infidelity. he/she knows very well the consequences of cheating but still does it anyway. and when he/she has to face the music, its always the same reasons - "i was tempted", "i was not myself", "i didn't know what i was doing", "i was lonely", "it was a moment of folly". or it can be as immaterial as you know, having like a huge tub of ben and jerry when you have had this real bad cough lasting for weeks already. my point being, everyone denies it, but we do do and cannot resist these acts of defiance, these "follies" as we call them.
what is it within us that we have to hurt ourselves or the things around us this way? aren't we all pursuing the same thing - finding out what it means to us to breathe in the air we are taking during every moment of the day? and so why do we have to crush and destroy whatever we have had and then go on whining about it? what is then the point of this meaningless pursuit?
its as if i know exactly what i am doing to myself and yet i am still making all these wrong decisions. and when it comes down to that, i just feel like my life has collapsed into total shambles. its always the same thing over and over again. and i am stuck in repeat mode. i am not a fan of self-pity, and i am not pitying myself. i am just frustrated with myself really, to actually carry so much hope when everything i have felt is false hope.
10:52 PM, i wrote.
1 comments, you wrote.
1 comments, you wrote.
