Sunday, May 31, 2009
if you call me today, i'll say that i'm fine.
do you know about that innate defiance in all of us? that incomprehensible part of us to commit mistakes, like when someone is telling you that the plate is hot and you just have to touch it, even if you know it will burn you. it exist, this desire to our own undoing, in all of us, perhaps inconspicuous to most, disguised as the so-called "moment of folly".
its like when one commits infidelity. he/she knows very well the consequences of cheating but still does it anyway. and when he/she has to face the music, its always the same reasons - "i was tempted", "i was not myself", "i didn't know what i was doing", "i was lonely", "it was a moment of folly". or it can be as immaterial as you know, having like a huge tub of ben and jerry when you have had this real bad cough lasting for weeks already. my point being, everyone denies it, but we do do and cannot resist these acts of defiance, these "follies" as we call them.
what is it within us that we have to hurt ourselves or the things around us this way? aren't we all pursuing the same thing - finding out what it means to us to breathe in the air we are taking during every moment of the day? and so why do we have to crush and destroy whatever we have had and then go on whining about it? what is then the point of this meaningless pursuit?
its as if i know exactly what i am doing to myself and yet i am still making all these wrong decisions. and when it comes down to that, i just feel like my life has collapsed into total shambles. its always the same thing over and over again. and i am stuck in repeat mode. i am not a fan of self-pity, and i am not pitying myself. i am just frustrated with myself really, to actually carry so much hope when everything i have felt is false hope.
its like when one commits infidelity. he/she knows very well the consequences of cheating but still does it anyway. and when he/she has to face the music, its always the same reasons - "i was tempted", "i was not myself", "i didn't know what i was doing", "i was lonely", "it was a moment of folly". or it can be as immaterial as you know, having like a huge tub of ben and jerry when you have had this real bad cough lasting for weeks already. my point being, everyone denies it, but we do do and cannot resist these acts of defiance, these "follies" as we call them.
what is it within us that we have to hurt ourselves or the things around us this way? aren't we all pursuing the same thing - finding out what it means to us to breathe in the air we are taking during every moment of the day? and so why do we have to crush and destroy whatever we have had and then go on whining about it? what is then the point of this meaningless pursuit?
its as if i know exactly what i am doing to myself and yet i am still making all these wrong decisions. and when it comes down to that, i just feel like my life has collapsed into total shambles. its always the same thing over and over again. and i am stuck in repeat mode. i am not a fan of self-pity, and i am not pitying myself. i am just frustrated with myself really, to actually carry so much hope when everything i have felt is false hope.
10:52 PM, i wrote.
1 comments, you wrote.
1 comments, you wrote.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
one day i'll fly away,
leave all this to yesterday.
why live life from dream to dream,
and dread the day when dreaming ends?
leave all this to yesterday.
why live life from dream to dream,
and dread the day when dreaming ends?
1:58 AM, i wrote.
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0 comments, you wrote.
Friday, May 22, 2009
always midnight.
seems like its always midnight.
i am standing here, waiting.
not knowing how long it has already been.
not knowing how much the night has wasted away my daylight.
not knowing how the silence of the midnight has blinded all my senses.
is it the faint whispers of the night that i hear?
or am i just the last one standing in line?
i rather be crazy tonight than to pray that i won't be alone at midnight.
but then again, with you, its always midnight.
i am standing here, waiting.
not knowing how long it has already been.
not knowing how much the night has wasted away my daylight.
not knowing how the silence of the midnight has blinded all my senses.
is it the faint whispers of the night that i hear?
or am i just the last one standing in line?
i rather be crazy tonight than to pray that i won't be alone at midnight.
but then again, with you, its always midnight.
1:23 AM, i wrote.
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Sunday, May 17, 2009
i have tried so hard.
i believe i did try, always did.
i have dreamed of the day when i no longer have to stare at the brilliant sky in a daze and awaiting. waiting for something that may not even come true. like i am perpetually reaching out for the clouds - an unattainable fleeting dream.
today, i still stare blankly across the lonesome sky. but i don't think i am waiting anymore.
my hands are tied and weary.
i have tried enough.
i believe i did try, always did.
i have dreamed of the day when i no longer have to stare at the brilliant sky in a daze and awaiting. waiting for something that may not even come true. like i am perpetually reaching out for the clouds - an unattainable fleeting dream.
today, i still stare blankly across the lonesome sky. but i don't think i am waiting anymore.
my hands are tied and weary.
i have tried enough.
1:26 PM, i wrote.
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0 comments, you wrote.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
memories are the worst enemies. when you least expects them, they sent jolts of nostalgia and feelings of unrequited losses into your mind. how can you forget something that you have been committed to etch into yourself, when it has already become a part of who you are?
i was by that telephone post yesterday. the feelings of anxiety and finally, joyous relief - i could still feel their presence as if they were just right beside me. the pact was simple - a commitment that we made to each other to stay together as how we were back then. i was prepared to stay beside you even if the news on the other end of the line could devastate you and me.
but everything has changed.
you were no longer that person i knew that night by the telephone post.
maybe me too...
can i just delete everything?
all these unnecessary lingers to the past...
because what is the point when i am the only one who still remembers them?
i was by that telephone post yesterday. the feelings of anxiety and finally, joyous relief - i could still feel their presence as if they were just right beside me. the pact was simple - a commitment that we made to each other to stay together as how we were back then. i was prepared to stay beside you even if the news on the other end of the line could devastate you and me.
but everything has changed.
you were no longer that person i knew that night by the telephone post.
maybe me too...
can i just delete everything?
all these unnecessary lingers to the past...
because what is the point when i am the only one who still remembers them?
5:51 PM, i wrote.
0 comments, you wrote.
0 comments, you wrote.
